Shalom, Temple Shalom,
As we celebrate PRIDE month, we must look beyond the rainbows to understand the underlying message of PRIDE: it started as a riot by a black trans woman who was tired of taking homophobic, transphobic abuse. As we reflect on how far we have come in the time of parades and Wal-Mart PRIDE gear, I am going to take a personal moment to reflect on what PRIDE means to me.
I write this with a humble, vulnerable heart to plead with you to take action. My call to action is based on the lived and real experiences I have had, and I will only list those that occurred during my term as co-President. To be clear—I have experienced a lot of homophobia as co-President. Not all are listed, but a few defining moments are. Maybe it’s because I’m young, and people thought they could bully me. I am begging you to not allow this to continue.
I came out a few months before I was nominated to be co-President. I overheard 3 people at Temple engaging in LaShon Horah, or evil speak of the tongue, about how they felt about my sexuality. As if somehow who I love determines my ability as a leader, or worth as a Jew. I am grateful that Darla refused to let one conversation continue, and find myself still somber at the reality that people I love and care about not only refused to stand up for me, but allowed homophobic language to be spewed at Temple Shalom. Silent bystanders caused unintentional harm. They always will—silence is violence.
I know that the gossip I heard was not the only gossip out there. Perhaps it is a mixed blessing knowing that there is more hate in our small world that I cannot hear.
One member left the congregation after sending a scathing letter, saying that my “lesbian influence” is not welcome on the Bimah. To be clear, I am not a lesbian, nor am I someone who can read such vile words without a personal cost.
I was uninvited from a funeral because I am an LGBTQ+ person, and a public one at that. I was reminded that no matter how much I try—no matter my Jewish Studies BA or my halachic knowledge or the fact that I was raised Modern Orthodox— my identity will always be weaponized. I can never simply be “normal”.
So when people ask me why I celebrate PRIDE, I like to remind them that I don’t have a choice. I don’t have a choice when I am told to my face that I am not welcome. The choice is either to accept a world—and a Temple Shalom Jewish world at that—that devalues me as a human. I refuse to accept that reality, which is why I have worked hard as your co-President these last two years. I leave you with a humble heart begging you to understand that LGBTQ+ suicide rates are astronomical. We cannot continue to stand idly by, hoping that our aspirations for inclusivity result in tangible action.
So what am I asking you to do? Here are some simple ideas:
- Encourage the Board to go through LGBTQ+ Inclusivity training
- Did you know that the Board previously blocked a motion to have PFLAG facilitate a learning seminar on LGBTQ+ inclusion? Your voice can help change that.
- Don’t just march in the parade—march your way to actively including an LGBTQ+ person.
- LGBTQ+ people have been historically alienated from religious spaces, not just Jewish spaces. This means we must do more to actively welcome them in if we want LGBTQ+ Jews to ever trust us and our ability to keep them safe. We must listen first, then act.
- Acknowledge that hurt has been caused, regardless of intention.
- Often allies like to make the claim that spaces are safe because they view them as such. Those with marginalized identity often disagree, and their voices need to be heard and valued, rather than minimized and silenced. If you haven’t heard they feel unsafe, perhaps consider why someone may not feel comfortable telling you.
- When LGBTQ+ people are harmed, they need to be cared for, not have to comfort those who caused harm in the first place.
I encourage you to reflect on why PRIDE started out as a riot, and why your co-President has to share vulnerable experiences in hopes you’ll do your part to engage in Tikkun Olam, and do your part to make this world a little easier for those of us struggling to validate our very existence.
I will be staffing another LGBTQ+ PRIDE Birthright Trip to Israel for two weeks, and look forward to returning on June 20th to wrap up this term with my incredible ally of a co-President, Sharon.
In humbly PROUD community,
Toby